Jack
Vault hunters: I need your help. <Ep1 - Pt2>
The power inside the next vault could bring peace to Pandora. Only badasses like you could brave the horrors of Pandora and find it... <Ep1 - Pt2>
...Which is why you’ve gotta die. <Ep1 - Pt2>
See, I can’t just have some psychopathic murderers getting to the Vault before I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute that you all think you’re the heroes of this little adventure, but -- you’re not. You’re bandits. You’re the bad guys. And I...am the goddamn hero. <Ep1 - Pt2>
Welcome to Pandora. <Ep1 - Pt2>
(laughs) <Ep1 - Pt2>
I can't just have some psychopathic murderers getting to the vault beforeI do. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's cute that you all think you're the heroes of this little adventure, but you're not. I'm the damn hero. (beat.) Welcome to Pandora, kiddos. <Ep1 - Pt2>
Hey, kiddo. Jack here -- president of Hyperion. Lemme explain how things work here: Vault Hunter shows up. Vault hunter looks for the new vault. Vault Hunter gets killed. By me. Seeing the problem here? You're still alive. So, if you could just do me a favor and off yourself, that’d be great. Thanks, pumpkin. <Ep2 - Pt3>
(munching on pretzels) So, how’s your day been, buddy? We haven’t really talked much since I left you for dead. Hey, you think you’ll freeze to death out there? Nah, probably not. The bandits’ll get you first. (beat.) My day? It's been pretty good. I just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool. (beat.) Kay, bye. <Ep2 - pt4>
I’m rackin' my brain trying to think of a name for that diamond pony I bought. I was gonna call it “piss-for-brains” in honor of you, but that just feels immature. Maybe...”Butt Stallion”? Nah, that’s even worse. I’ll give it some more thought. <Ep2 - pt4>
I should probably clarify -- the diamond horse I’ve been telling you about? It's not a sculpture, or anything. It's a living horse that actually happens to be made of -- actually, I'll just go get her. Butt Stallion! Say hello. (A horse whinnies.) <Ep2 - pt4>
Butt Stallion says hello. <Ep2 - pt4>
Attention, people of Pandora! Handsome Jack here, offering a million bucks to whomever brings me the head of the Vault Hunter who just arrived in Liar’s Berg. Oh, and I’m still offering a reward for Roland, the mass-murdering leader of the Crimson Raiders. Good hunting, bandits! <Ep2 - pt4>
Handsome Jack here, reminding you all not to worry your pretty little heads about those earthquakes -- with every tremor, my drills get closer to the vault -- to freedom, order, and safety for all of us. Except you asshats in Sanctuary. <Ep3 - Pt2>
I bet you’re feelin’ pretty great about killing that no-name bandit king, huh? (sigh) Sometimes I envy you bandits -- you’re so...unburdened with things like intelligence, culture, morality, honor, ambition, good looks...I could go on. I won’t. But I could. <Ep3 - Pt4>
Dignity! Almost forgot to mention dignity. (a horse whinnies in the background). Easy, Butt Stallion. <Ep3 - Pt4>
This is a message to Sanctuary, (mockingly) “the last stronghold of the resistance.” Pandora as you knew it -- the chaos, the bandits -- that time has passed. If you let it, this could be an era of order -- of peace! Just turn yourselves in, and I promise: your deaths will be quick. <Ep3 - Pt4>
You like my speech? I was lying about the last part, by the way. I’m gonna spend a lowng time torturing you bandit scum to death. And I’ll enjoy it even more because -- ah, I shouldn’t say anymore. I’ve got a little secret that I, uh -- you know what? You don’t need to hear it -- it’ll probably just confuse ya. Ciao! <Ep3 - Pt4>
Bandits of Sanctuary: I hear a new Vault Hunter has arrived in your city. So just turn 'em in to me, and you'll be rewarded. <Ep4 - Pt1>
Made it to Banditville, huh? Well done! (beat) It’ll be nice to see a friendly face when I’m burning that place to the ground. Oh, and I’ve decided that I will tell you my secret later on. Once you’ve earned it. <Ep4 - Pt4>
Lemme explain something. Even if you DO rescue Roland from this Firehawk guy, the Crimson Raiders ain’t exactly long for this world. (beat) You know what? I think you deserve a little hint: my secret involves your pathetic resistance dying, and me laughing, a lot. <Ep5 - Pt4>
Feel that? The sound of those earthquakes marks my drills getting closer and closer to the vault. That's the sound of progress, baby! <Ep5 - Pt4>
You think the Firehawk’s got Roland, huh? (beat) Y’know, I heard the Firehawk liquifies bandits and drinks ‘em like flesh smoothies. But nah, I’m sure your bandit pal Roland’s just fine. Of course, if Roland hadn’t been such a dumbass in the first place, he -- whoops. Almost spilled my secret. <Ep5 - Pt4>
Sure, I've got an offer! I’m sending a figure to the moon projector...now. <Ep6 - Pt2>
And that's how Handsome Jack pays ransoms! Long time no see, Roland. <Ep6 - Pt2>
Be honest with yourself, kid. Do you really think you can stop me? I knew you were gonna go for Roland. I am smarter than you. I don’t mean to condescend, that’s just a fact. (beat) “Condescend” is a word that means “talk down to.” You got that, kitten? <Ep6 - Pt3>
You didn’t know where Roland was, you don’t know why I’m after the Vault, and you still don’t know my awesome little secret -- god, it’s embarrassing how far behind you guys are. I mean, I don't wanna rub it in, or anything, but...damn. <Ep6 - Pt4>
Look at those murderous Bloodshots. Don’t you think Pandora would be better without their scum? That’s all I wanna do -- clean up this planet. If that means I’ve gotta kill bandits like you, like the Bloodshots -- like all those Crimson Raider idiots in Sanctuary? Hell -- I’m happy to do it. <Ep6 - Pt4>
(sarcastic) Wow. Bravo. Champagne. Cheers. High-five. Slow clap. You got the damn power core, didn’t you? (beat) You’ve been warned, the kid gloves are coming off. Tighten up the big-boy pants because things are gonna get really bad for you Vault Hunters. <Ep7 - Pt3>
Nicely done, Angel! Now -- let’s kill ourselves some vault hunters. <Ep8 - Pt1>
Oh, I’m sorry. Was that your shields that just went down? So you knew that I knew, you were going for the power core -- and you just plugged it in? Even for you guys, that’s pretty -- ah, man, that’s pretty stupid. (beat) I told you, I always win. <Ep8 - Pt1>
I love the way you vault hunters just up and trusted Angel. Never occured to you that she was working for me, did it? I did the same thing to the last four vault hunters, but I’ll be entirely honest -- tricking you guys this time? Way funnier. <Ep8 - Pt2>
Hey, thanks for taking the bait and grabbing that power core. It was hard to concentrate on charging the Vault Key, what with Roland’s buddies attacking my Eridium mines. <Ep8 - Pt2>
I told you guys -- the hero always wins. <Ep8 - Pt2>
Oh, get over it. I shot ONE baby. And, in fairness, it was being a dick. <Ep8 - Pt2>
That’s the best you got? A flying city? What could you chumps POSSIBLY have that makes you think you’ve got a chance against me? I mean, do you bastards even know who I am? <Ep8 - Pt3>
Hm. <Ep8 - Pt3>
You know, I think it’s finally time to tell you that little secret. <Ep8 - Pt4>
Angel's working for me. <Ep8 - Pt4>
You only survived our train ride together because I wanted you to. Five years ago, Roland and his friends opened the Vault because Angel and I tricked them into doing it. Everything you vault hunters have ever done -- (laughing) it's all part of my plan. I'm such a rock star. <Ep8 - Pt4>
I learned a lot from observing Pandora. Learned a lot about survival. About greed. But most of all? I learned no matter how badass they may be, anyone will happily lay down their life for a pretty girl, with big, blue eyes. <Ep9 - Pt1>
Shame that Wilhelm had to let you kill him. Heck of a soldier -- not many people would volunteer to die, just so you'd think I didn't want you to have that power core. But -- psst -- spoilers: I did. <Ep9 - Pt1>
So, Wilhelm nearly killed your Vault Hunter friends a couple years ago, and you just blow him away like any other grunt? Yeah, that's cause I poisoned him before you guys fought. Worth it, though, to make you think I didn't want you to have that power core. But -- psst -- spoilers: I did. <Ep9 - Pt1>
You're kinda pissing me off, kiddo. You trusted Angel and fell for my trap just like your idiot friends did five years ago. But you -- you were supposed to help Angel and I destroy Sanctuary. But you didn’t. Sanctuary’s still safe. Which makes killing you…my top priority. Congratulations. <Ep9 - Pt1>
Angel. That’s enough. You can stop pretending to help the bad guys now. Angel? <Ep9 - Pt2>
What did I just SAY?! <Ep9 - Pt2>
See, this is what I don't get about you bad guys. You know the hero's gonna win, but you never just die quickly-- man, this one guy in New Haven, right? City's burning, people dying, blah blah blah. This guy rushes me with a spoon. A fricking spoon. And I'm just laughing. So I scoop out his eyeballs with it, and his kids are all, "aghhhhh!,” and, ah...you had to be there. Anyway, the moral is: you're a bitch. <Ep9 - Pt2>
God dammit, Angel! What are you doing?! Those are the bad guys! <Ep9 - Pt2>
(rage) Run all you want, bandit. We all know how this is gonna end. <Ep9 - Pt2>
Wow. You’re really bad at protecting that beacon. <Ep9 - Pt2>
What makes you think you can take me down if you can’t even repair that beacon? <Ep9 - Pt2>
The beacon’s damaged, kiddo. And that’s why you’re gonna die here. <Ep9 - Pt2>
I’m sending everything I have at you. EVERYTHING. <Ep9 - Pt2>
Send in the constructors! I want those bastards dead now! <Ep9 - Pt2>
Now, if you can’t even handle these loaders, you're really going to disappoint me. <Ep9 - Pt2>
Angel, what the hell are you doing?! <Ep9 - Pt5>
(rage) Angel, you and I are gonna have a serious talk. <Ep9 - Pt5>
I watched Mordecai a lot. You know, he may be a drunken loser, but he never kept Bloodwing in a cage. Never even raised his voice at her. Funny thing -- you wanna destroy a man, you don't need to kill him. You just need to kill what he loves. <Ep10 - Pt2>
Oh, hey, you're in the preserve. I was gonna do this whole thing where I'd lure you in here and kill you, but you just -- you just kinda showed up. Thanks for saving me the trouble, kiddo. <Ep10 - Pt2>
If you know how to use it, Slag isn’t just some elemental damage amplifier. It’s got much more...interesting applications. <Ep10 - Pt2>
Got the Angel back under control. WOMEN, am I right? So, you’re here for the bird? Bleedwing? Bloodwing. (trying not to laugh:) Just to warn you -- you’re really not gonna like this next part. <Ep10 - Pt2>
Looking for Bloodwing? Oh, I moved her a few hours ago. Somewhere a little more...dramatic. <Ep10 - Pt2>
Hey – you know what I just remembered? (beat.) It’s feeding time. <Ep10 - Pt2>
Want Bloodwing back, huh? Shame -- I’ve been doing some really interesting Eridium experiments with her. Hate to see her go, but heck with it -- <Ep10 - Pt3>
She’s all yours. <Ep10 - Pt3>
(grave) This is what happens when you don’t listen, bandit. <Ep10 - Pt3>
Heh. That's cute. <Ep10 - Pt3>
Just give it up, kiddo. Bloodwing’s got ALL the elements at her disposal! Slag! Fire! Electricity! Corrosion! And...and, uh...damn, I forgot the last one. What was it, again? <Ep10 - Pt3>
Slag, fire, electricity, corrosion...come on, Jack, you know this -- there's one more... <Ep10 - Pt3>
Fire! <Ep10 - Pt3>
Fire...what else is there? <Ep10 - Pt3>
Electricity! <Ep10 - Pt3>
Electricity...slag, fire, electricity, corrosion's coming up next -- what am I forgetting? <Ep10 - Pt3>
Corrosion! <Ep10 - Pt3>
Corrosion...yeah, I remember that one -- come on, what's left? <Ep10 - Pt3>
Slag! <Ep10 - Pt3>
Slag...yeah, I remember that one... <Ep10 - Pt3>
Oh, now I remember! EXPLOSIIIIIIVE! <Ep10 - Pt3>
EXPLOSIIIIVE! <Ep10 - Pt3>
That is why you don’t screw with me. You give up, you turn yourself in, or that dumbass bird is just the beginning. <Ep10 - Pt3>
Where the hell is -- I had a violin somewhere, I was gonna play it all sarcastically --goddammit, I saw it like a day ago. Blake! Violin! <Ep10 - Pt3>
Sweet, sweet. Found it! This is a song for Mordecai’s stupid bird. ... Screw you, it woulda been funny if I’d had it earlier. Shut up. <Ep10 - Pt3>
Welcome to the Wildlife Exploitation Preserve, kiddo. I’m afraid you’re not gonna like this area all that much -- it’s about knowledge. Experimentation. Discovery. You’ll see lots of complicated equipment and signs with real big words, but don’t worry -- if your brain can’t handle all the science, you can always put a bullet in it. <Ep10 - Pt4>
That’s right, murderer. Keep goin’. I’ve got a surprise waiting for you at the end of the preserve. And lemme tell ya -- you’re gonna love it. <Ep10 - Pt4>
I can’t wait for you to see the surprise. You’re gonna be like, “oh no, I'm bleeding so much, so much blood, ahhhh!” (laugh-sighing) It's gonna be great. <Ep10 - Pt4>
I had my boys build the preserve to research the full applications of slag. See, it’s not just an elemental damage type -- if you know how to use it, slag has...lots of applications. <Ep10 - Pt4>
Ah ah ah -- you stay back, we’re not quite ready for you yet. Don’t wanna spoil the surprise. <Ep10 - Pt4>
Woah woah woah -- you didn’t think you’re getting out of here ALIVE, did you? <Ep10 - Pt4>
You met up with Brick, huh? Ah, I'll never forget the way he squealed when I let my girlfriend strangle his dog. Ahhh. Good memory. <EP11 - Pt3>
So. You're one of Brick's "Slabs" now, huh? Least you're finally admitting what you really are -- a bandit. <EP11 - Pt3>
I told you to back off, bandit. Angel, double power to the defenses. <EP11 - Pt3>
You’d better run, goddamnit. Run, bandit, run! <EP11 - Pt3>
So, the vault hunter met the slabs -- what a lovely opportunity to kill two bandits with one mortar assault! <Ep11 - Pt4>
Nobody destroys my beacons -- here come the bots, bandit! <Ep11 - Pt4>
Goddammit, bots -- get 'em away from the beacons! <Ep11 - Pt4>
Come on, how hard is it to wipe out one vault hunter and a walking slab of meat? GET 'EM! <Ep11 - Pt4>
People of Pandora -- the jackass Vault Hunter has joined the Slab bandit clan, and that can only mean one thing -- it’s triple bounty week for all Slabs! I want scalps, people, and I want ‘em now! <Ep11 - Pt4>
Did you know that some people on this planet still believe in silly superstitions like angels, demons, and ancient alien warriors? We like to call them “bandits.” <Ep12 - Pt3>
Nice try, idiot. I bet you thought you’d won, but that was just a body double. And now you’re gonna die. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Didja know your chances of being disemboweled increase by eight thousand percent upon leaving Opportunity? Scientific fact. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Did you know you're staring at the future site of the Opportunity pleasure palace? That's right -- for a thousand bucks, you'll be able to spend an hour with a life-sized likeness of me. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Did you know littering in Opportunity is punishable by death? If not, you also oughtta know complaining about Opportunity's laws is considered verbal littering. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Hey, kids! Did you know what your mommies and daddies gave up so your family could live in Opportunity? Literally nothing! Your family is paid to be here -- I’m the one who feeds and protects everyone. Remember: we should all love our parents, but love me more. <Ep12 - Pt3>
You seriously thought you could hide from me, Angel? Say goodbye to your friend. Say it. <Ep12 - Pt3>
As my voice changes/I cannot help but feel wrong/I sound like a jerk <Ep12 - Pt3>
This is interesting technology. I wonder how it -- oh, god, I sound atrocious. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Testing? Testing one two? One two. And now I have the voice of a douchebag. Great. <Ep12 - Pt3>
Uh…is this thing working? Woah. That's weird. <Ep12 - Pt3>
This is a message to the Crimson Raider “resistance.” Do you see that shining city on the horizon? That’s what you’re “resisting”. Beauty. Purity. Order. You think about that the next time you’re sleeping in your own filth. <Ep12 - Pt3>
You wanna know why I’m trying to awaken the Warrior? Because it’s not enough. This disgusting planet, these stupid, stupid frickin' bandits I defeated how many years ago -- it’s not enough. I want it all. Every planet, every star. Call me old-fashioned, but -- bein’ a god sounds like a hell of a lot of fun. <Ep13 - Pt2>
Hey, you know how I got my hands on that Vault Key? See, a few years back, Wilhelm and I paid a visit to your little friend Tannis. And we beat her for hours. We ripped it outta her broken fingers. But we let her live. Because that’s what heroes do. They show mercy. <Ep13 - Pt2>
Fun time's over, kiddies -- Brick and his mouth-breathers couldn't bust my bunker…and neither can you. <Ep13 - Pt2>
Consider this your final warning -- no, consider this MY final warning. (beat) Turn around and I promise I’ll make it quick for you. (angry) But I swear, you take one more step, every soul back in Sanctuary will die staring at their own lungs as I rip them from their chests. <Ep13 - Pt2>
I love you. <Ep13 - Pt2>
What the hell are you doing, Angel?! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Rrgh -- language! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Oh, no you don't! Shields up! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Bandit, if you keep this up, I'm heading down there to blow your brains out myself. You hear me?! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Angel, shut the HELL up! <Ep13 - Pt3>
So this is how you bandits fight, is that it? You can't come straight for me, you gotta kill an innocent girl? <Ep13 - Pt3>
You are endangering my baby girl. This is my vow, every friend, every child, every person you ever passed on the street. I’m gonna kill them all. (beat) You didn’t follow the rules, bandit. <Ep13 - Pt3>
Please. Okay. Are you hearing me? Please don’t kill my little girl. <Ep13 - Pt3>
Angel? Angel, NO! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Sweetheart, everything you could ever want is within these four walls! Do you have any idea how much I've sacrificed for you? The bandits I've killed, the people I've manipulated -- everything I've done was to protect you! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Angel, you can STOP this! I'll still forgive you, baby! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Yes, baby? What is it? <Ep13 - Pt3>
Angel! Angel! <Ep13 - Pt3>
Sup. <Ep13 - Pt4>
(frighteningly even-keeled) He’s not coming back. (beat) You killed my little girl. <Ep13 - Pt4>
And her. <Ep13 - Pt4>
What’s that saying? Don’t pick a fight with a man with nothing left to lose? (beat) I’m going to show you just how much you have left to lose -- and I got the most powerful Siren on the planet to do it with. (beat) Lilith, kill the vault hunter. We’ve got a date to keep with the Warrior. <Ep13 - Pt4>
Language. <Ep13 - Pt4>
Angel, unfortunately, wasn’t strong enough to charge the key. But Lilith? Given how she phased your city, I’d say she’s got a very interesting connection to Eridium that other Sirens don’t. <Ep13 - Pt4>
See you around. <Ep13 - Pt4>
I gave you a chance, bandit. I told you to run, but you thought you could take on my bunker. But now? It's time for you to realize just how wrong you were. <Ep13 - Pt5>
Don’t you know what you’re DOING?! Who cares about the goddamn key -- you’re gonna end the life of an innocent girl! <Ep13 - Pt5>
Do it, Lilith. <Ep13 - Pt5>
It's the same technology I used with my daughter. But unlike you, she knew how to listen. It's time for you to learn who's in charge. The hard way. <Ep13 - Pt5>
Angel…I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. <Ep13 - Pt5>
Do you really think I'd protect Angel with nothing but a couple bots and some flimsy turrets? See, you're not at the bunker right now. The bunker isn't a place. <Ep13 - Pt5>
THAT's the bunker. Meet the BNK-3R, the greatest defense bot ever built. I designed her myself. Now do me a favor and die. <Ep13 - Pt5>
(imitating Roland’s voice) Hey, buddy! It’s me, Roland! Let's kill Handsome Jack and then we'll ALL go out for milkshakes! <Ep15 - Pt3>
Naw, I’m just playing. He’s still really dead. Grabbed his ECHO unit when I left. (Beat) Just wanted to tell you that Lilith is doing a bang-up job charging the Vault Key for me. The Warrior will be awake in no time. <Ep15 - Pt3>
You're not going anywhere, bandit. <Ep15 - Pt3>
People of Pandora...my daughter is...dead. Murdered. By the vault hunter. So I’ve decided -- I’m rescinding the bounty on the vault hunter. If you should kill that child-murdering sonofabitch before I do? I will find you. And you will regret denying me my vengeance. <Ep15 - Pt4>
I wanna be clear about something. This isn’t about Pandora anymore. It’s about you...and me. I can never replace what you took from me. But murdering your Vault Hunter pals? Destroying that flying city? Hell -- that’s a start. <Ep15 - Pt4>
Do me a favor. You think about how all of Roland’s training, all his experience counted for nothing once he met me. And ask yourself, if I could kill the wise leader of the Crimson Raiders without breaking a sweat, how hard will it be to kill a psychotic bandit king and a drunken frickin' sniper? <Ep15 - Pt4>
Lilith has quite the little mouth on her -- and, as it turns out, when that Eridium is pumping through her body, I can stab her over and over and over and it just heals right back up. (beat) I’m told it’s agonizing. Oh, she looks pissed. <Ep16 - Pt2>
I bet you think I’m a monster. You think I enslaved Angel. But you didn’t see what she did to her mother. I had to restrain Angel’s power. You get that? I had to. <Ep16 - Pt4>
Don’t you dare speak about my daughter. <Ep16 - Pt4>
You feel that? That electricity in the air when you're just aching to murder someone? Haven't felt that in such a long time. <Ep17 - Pt1>
It’s almost that time, child-killer. Lilith’s nearly charged the Vault Key -- how you feeling, babe? <Ep17 - Pt1>
You feel that, child-killer? The key’s nearly charged! This world is gonna end! <Ep17 - Pt2>
Nearly there, bandit. Once the Warrior’s awake? Think I’ll smash that flying city of yours. What do you think, Lil? <Ep17 - Pt2>
Ooh. I don’t think Lilith likes that idea. <Ep17 - Pt2>
You’re right on time -- the key’s nearly ready! But before I cleanse this planet for good, I am gonna avenge my daughter! <Ep17 - Pt2>
DIE! <Ep17 - Pt2>
No, no, no... I can’t die like this... not when I’m so close... and not at the hands of a filthy bandit! I coulda saved this planet! I could have actually restored order! I wasn’t supposed to die by the hands of a child-killing psychopath! You’re a savage! You’re a maniac! You are a bandit AND I AM THE GODDAMN HERO! <Ep17 - Pt3>
Well, that’s two more vault hunters down. Now it’s just you, me, and Lilith here. Don’t keep me waiting. <Ep17 - Pt4>
This can't be happening…this can't be happening! <Ep17 - Pt5>
This is where it all ends. Once Lilith charges the key, I’ll control the Warrior and wipe you bandits off my planet. (Beat.) When you get to hell, tell your Vault Hunter friends I said “hey.” <Ep17 - Pt6>
You’re a plague, bandit. You and your kind have corrupted Pandora with your greed and your hatred. It comes down to me to save this world from your kind. But I am more than happy to do it. <Ep17 - Pt6>
(pain grunt) That it? HUH? <Ep17 - Pt6>
I’m not dyin’ yet! <Ep17 - Pt6>
You’re too late, bandit... <Ep17 - Pt6>
...I WIN! <Ep17 - Pt6>
The greatest alien power Pandora has ever seen -- and it’s MINE to control! <Ep17 - Pt6>
WARRIOR! <Ep17 - Pt6>
KILL. <Ep17 - Pt6>
Hahahah! You can’t hurt me! Not now! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Feed ‘em some lava! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Toss some lava! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Melt that vault hunter! Do it! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Stomp ‘em!! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Crush that vault hunter! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Smash ‘em, Warrior! Smash ‘em! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Get back into the lava! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Into the lava, now! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Move, Warrior! Now! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Slag ‘em! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Slag! NOW! <Ep17 - Pt6>
I wanna see some slag! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Pump those wings, Warrior! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Fly, baby! Fly! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Get your ass in the air! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Fire breath! Now! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Burn em alive! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Let’s see that fire breath! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Wipe ‘em out, baby! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Kill, goddammit! KILL! <Ep17 - Pt6>
I want that vault hunter DEAD! <Ep17 - Pt6>
What? How the hell did you do that?! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Don’t let ‘em shoot you there, goddammit! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Protect your chest, Warrior! Come on! <Ep17 - Pt6>
You barely even scratched my warrior! HAH! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Quit playin’ around, Warrior -- crush that stupid vault hunter! <Ep17 - Pt6>
What the hell is taking so long?! Kill the goddamn vault hunter already! <Ep17 - Pt6>
How are you still alive, vault hunter? HOW?! <Ep17 - Pt6>
This is how you die, Vault Hunter! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Just give it up, vault hunter! <Ep17 - Pt6>
You don’t stand a chance against my warrior! <Ep17 - Pt6>
The Warrior’s mine, bandit! <Ep17 - Pt6>
This is for Angel! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Once you’re dead, the Warrior will burn this planet clean! <Ep17 - Pt6>
NO!!! <Ep17 - Pt6>
This can’t be happening...THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! <Ep17 - Pt6>
The Warrior was practically a god. How -- HOW in the hell have you killed my Warrior? <Ep17 - Pt6>
You idiots -- the Warrior could have brought peace to this planet! No more dangerous creatures! No more bandits! Pandora – it could have been a PARADISE! <Ep17 - Pt6>
UNGHH! <Ep17 - Pt6>
Alright, you mindless gun-hands: you're looking for a really hot chick with blue tattoos and mystical powers. A Siren. Specifically, one named Lilith. The official reports say she died in New Haven, but I'm positive she's hiding out near Sanctuary. If you catch wind of her, tell me and I'll pay you enough money to build a mansion made out of other, smaller mansions. Out. <AsstheAss>
Yeah, I just realized you grunts are gonna get yourselves killed without this little tidbit: all Sirens are born with different, crazy-ass powers. You cannot -- I repeat, CANNOT win a fight with them in one on one combat. you see Lilith, contact me IMMEDIATELY. I can handle her -- you can't. Me yes, you no! <AsstheAss>
Found an old recording that might help you guys out with the Siren. <AsstheAss>
Oh, yeah, and since you shiver-brains evidently don't know how to listen, I'll say it again: stop bringing in fake Sirens. Only six Sirens can exist in the universe at any given time, and I already know of three -- you're not gonna convince me you happened to find one of the remaining three just by drawing blue tattoos on some random chick's corpse. I will admit, it was mildly amusing the first dozen times you idiots tried it, but now my office smells like blood and marker fumes. So quit it! <AsstheAss>
(over an intercom) Alright, Sammy, what say we start that test? <DocOrders>
Sorry, baby, I can't hear you over the sound of people not being injected with Eridium. This Vault key didn't make Eridium come outta the ground for nothing -- we've got it, so we might as well experiment with it. You're not eager to be on the other side of that glass, are you? <DocOrders>
(over an intercom) What's the holdup, Sammy? <DocOrders>
Hey, remember that wife of yours? And how you wanted to see her, like, ever again? <DocOrders>
I don't hear screeeeaming... <DocOrders>
I need your help. I know -- "argh, trap, don't listen" -- but it's about my grandma. I built her a cottage out in the Eridium Blight, and I need you to check on her, make sure everything's as it should be. Don't do it for me; do it for her. <GrandmasHouse>
(initially sounding inconsolab,e then incredibly relieved) Ohhhhhhh, thank GOD! I was so worried you'd killed those bandits before they could murder ol' gran-gran. And you know what now I don't even have to pay 'em! So, thanks, loser. <GrandmasHouse>
Woah woah woah woah – are there bandits at grandma's house? Oh, Jesus. Oh crap. <GrandmasHouse>
You killed the bandits? Okay. Okay. God, I hope everything's okay. <GrandmasHouse>
Thanks for the help, man. Still gonna kill you, though. <GrandmasHouse>
Ol' balloon-tits is still holdin' a grudge against me, huh? Don't get me wrong, I understand it -- once you've eaten prime rib for free, it's hard to go back to suckin' down hamburgers for cash. If you know what I'm talking about. <HellHath>
I'm talkin' about dicks. <HellHath>
My construction site! Moxxi, you BITCH! <HellHath>
Heyyyy, everybody! Jack here! <JackHere>
I'm sorry, what was your name? <JackHere>
Well, Ms. Pierce -- and please don't break my heart and tell me it's missus Pierce -- this train doesn't belong to you. Wanna turn around and face me, little lady? <JackHere>
Holy NUTBALLS what happened to your FACE? <JackHere>
How about this, lady: you tell me why you look like you headbutted a belt sander, and I'll let all of you go. <JackHere>
Oh. Oh, gosh...I'm so sorry. Where's your husband now? <JackHere>
Hey, how about that! Somethin' you got in common. <JackHere>
Hhhhohohohoholycrap! Did you see her head? It was like -- PSHEWWWW! Wilhelm? Kill these savages. <JackHere>
I will pay you to kill yourself. I've got a perfect spot all picked out for ya. You don't wanna, that's fine -- call the Hyperion Suicide Prevention Hotline, and you'll get nothing. But if you want a huge reward, you jump off that cliff and become my bitch. Take your time. <KillYourself>
Hhhhhhhahahahahaha! I guess you just killed yourself. Head back to the bounty board and I'll pay you. But just -- one second. No matter what happens, or has happened -- you could have killed me by the time you're hearing this, who knows -- I just want you to remember one thing: you are a sellout. You killed yourself because I paid you to. You are my bitch. <KillYourself>
Pleasure doin' business with you. <KillYourself>
Didn't kill yourself, huh? Adorable. <KillYourself>
Enjoy your nothing, idiot! <KillYourself>
Did you…actually just kill my girlfriend? Hunh. …That's…actually kinda pissing me off. <Showdown>
(Sigh.) What are you doing now, tool? Petty vandalism? That's how far you've fallen? Really, it's just sad. <Statuesque>
Okay. You made your point. You don't like the statue. I look a little too badass with my foot on that bandit's face, and you're jealous. I get it, alright? <Statuesque>
Got it out of your system? That feel good? Great. Now go home and stop screwin' with my stuff, or we're gonna have a problem. <Statuesque>
I can actually see why you'd wanna tear that particular statue down. Clearly, you're illiterate, and the image of me enjoying a good book just makes your head hurt somethin' awful. <Statuesque>
You know what book I'm reading in that image? It's called "101 ways to forcibly make vandals eat their own entrails." I'll let you borrow it sometime. <Statuesque>
Dude…don't be a dick. <Statuesque>
Oh come ON -- what's wrong with that statue? I'm holding the Vault Key, and a BABY. You know what babies are, right? Those little pink things your kind eats after you're done rolling around in your own feces? <Statuesque>
I get it. You're one of those conspiracy theorists. "Muhhh, Handsome Jack didn't really open the Vault, he stole the key, wake up sheeple." I thought I'd already killed off the rest of you tinfoil hat-wearing pricks. <Statuesque>
For the LOVE of -- okay. Great. Success. You're pissing me off. Good for you. <Statuesque>
What is this even ACCOMPLISHING? Are you just trying to piss me off? Was that your goal? Well mission accomplished, jaggoff. When I'm curbstomping your dumb ass to death, you can take solace in the fact that, one time, for like, eight seconds, you mildly irritated me. Good for you. <Statuesque>
Go ahead. Knock the last one down. I've already got a great idea for a new statue. It's just gonna be me, kicking you in the junk. I'm gonna commission like fifteen of those sumbitches and put them everywhere. <Statuesque>
You are such an ASSHOLE! <Statuesque>
Jimmy, please make a note: I'm strangling Mister Moorin for bringing up my wife. <YouDontKnow>
Ah ah -- choking is something you do when you eat too fast. As I'm crushing Mister Moorin's windpipe with my watch chain, what I'm doing is strangling. <YouDontKnow>
Shhhhh. Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. Anything else on today's agenda, Jimmy? <YouDontKnow>
Well then! <YouDontKnow>
Drinks are on me! <YouDontKnow>
Okay, any candidates today, Angel? <YouDontKnow>
Great! Say this to 'em: Don't be alarmed. I need you to stay calm and don't let on that anyone is talking to you. Start making your way off the bus. <YouDontKnow>
Shut up. Tell them -- <YouDontKnow>
But sir, the energy readings my…instruments at home are getting from Pandora are -- <YouDontKnow>
Yes, sir – I'm sorry, Mister Tassiter, it won't happen again! <YouDontKnow>
Now now, Mister Tassiter -- "blackmail" is such a dirty little word. Actually, no it isn't. It's got kind of a nice sound to it. "Blackmail." Say it with me: black-- <YouDontKnow>
Because I was right, you mean. And call me Jack. Please. <YouDontKnow>
(taking out his pocketwatch, sighing) Mister Tassiter, do you know the difference between choking and strangulation? <YouDontKnow>
This is your new home, darling. You're like a princess, and this is your throne! <YouDontKnow>
She's not coming back, Angel. Now get in the freaking chair. <YouDontKnow>
Get in the chair. <YouDontKnow>
Why isn't this working, Angel? <YouDontKnow>
I've pumped every ounce of Eridium I've got into you but the key still isn't charging? WHY?! <YouDontKnow>
You're a SIREN! You're one-of-a-kind, now make it work! I want that warrior, Angel. I want him awake, I want him under my control, and I want him NOW! <YouDontKnow>
Damned right it is. I just came back from rescuing the Space Vixens of Eden-6, and thought I’d check in with my number one fan. Hey, Justin, why the long face? <Conv - Hyperion - Radio>
Well, Justin, your mom sounds like a bitch. <Conv - Hyperion - Radio>
If she had any brains at all, she’d know that the rifle you hold in your very hands is made by Hyperion, which means it’s perfectly safe for children of all ages! <Conv - Hyperion - Radio>
Hyperion makes the most accurate, high-quality weapons in the six galaxies. If you wanna grow up to be big and strong like your old pal Handsome Jack, you better start practicing your marksmanship now! <Conv - Hyperion - Radio>
Oh, yeah? Where is he now? <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonA>
Wow. I'm already impressed. <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonA>
Angel -- are we hearing this live, right now? <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonC>
--Get the Hyperion Truth Network on the line now. <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonC>
Ha ha! I'm brilliant! am I-- am I brilliant? I'm brilliant. <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonD>
Thankya, Angel. Now do me a favor and put this Axton guy on the list, will you? <Conv - MapEcho - AxtonD>
...What? <Conv - MapEcho - MayaA>
--Tell me everything. NOW. <Conv - MapEcho - MayaA>
The who? <Conv - MapEcho - MayaA>
Play it. <Conv - MapEcho - MayaA>
Angel. <Conv - MapEcho - MayaD>
Find her. <Conv - MapEcho - MayaD>
No problems, I'm assuming? <Conv - MapEcho - SalA>
Woah --Run that by me again? <Conv - MapEcho - SalA>
Yeah? What name? <Conv - MapEcho - SalA>
Play it. <Conv - MapEcho - SalB>
Let's hear it. <Conv - MapEcho - SalD>
Heh...I like this guy. Put him on the list. <Conv - MapEcho - SalD>
Talk to me, Angel. I need a Vault Hunter and I need 'em yesterday. <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroA>
-- No! No, no, no. -- next! I hate those "mysterious warrior" types. Nine times out of ten, there's nothing ACTUALLY special about them. Who else you got-- <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroA>
...Did that guy just speak in Haiku? <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroA>
So what's this Zero guy doing on Pandora in the first place? <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroB>
Angel, you've got a brain the size of a planet. Don't give me "I dunno." (This should sound like a shrug -- like, say "I dunno" without any consonants) <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroB>
W-w-what do you mean, not human? Is he a robot? An alien? What? <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroB>
Roll it, Angel. <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroC>
Well when you're right, you're right, Angel. I think this Zero guy will do nicely. <Conv - MapEcho - ZeroD>
Welcome to the Hyperion City of Opportunity! Littering is punishable by death. <Jack - Hyperion - CitySpeak>
This is Handsome Jack, welcoming you to Opportunity! If you wanna learn more about Opportunity and the things I'll do to you for breaking the rules, just activate one of the many info kiosks spread around the city! <Jack - Hyperion - CitySpeak>
Welcome to Opportunity! You've been chosen to live here because you represent the best Hyperion has to offer. You had the courage to emigrate to Pandora, and the huge goddamn bank accounts to pay my asking prices. <Jack - Hyperion - CitySpeak>
Citizens of Opportunity! You represent the beginning of a grand adventure. Opportunity is only the FIRST Hyperion city on Pandora. One day you'll be saying, "bandits? What's a bandit? I can't hear what you're saying over the motor of this free blowjob machine Jack gave all of us." <Jack - Hyperion - CitySpeak>
This is Handsome Jack saying, keep it up! Construction's goin' great. And if it isn't, I'll cut of your rations. <Jack - Hyperion - Speaker>
Handsome Jack here, reminding you: you guys are building the future. A Pandora without bandits, or monsters. A world without hate, or violence. A world I will legally forbid you from entering once it is complete. So enjoy it while you can. <Jack - Hyperion - Speaker>
I, Handsome Jack, have heard your complaints that we cannot finish the city by our projected date five months from now. I have heard many of you request that we reduce scope, or cut planned buildings. And to those people I say: shut up. <Jack - Hyperion - Speaker>
Work faster or I'll kill you. <Jack - Hyperion - Speaker>
Feast your eyes on this, bandit! <Jack - NPC - SparkBonus>
Better act now, before you're dead. <Jack - NPC - SparkBonus>
Heads up, bandit! <Jack - NPC - SparkBonus>
Greetings, residents of [Overlook]! I, Handsome Jack, am [moderately happy] to welcome you into the Hyperion family! Watch out for those [Stalker] attacks! <Jack - Overlook - Speaker>
This is Handsome Jack, thanking you, loyal test subject, for helping bring Pandora into the future. The experiments you'll be put through will help us uncover new uses for Eridium, new cures for medicine, and...why are you having me read this crap? They know we're gonna mutate the hell out of them, why lie to – (static) <Jack - Pandora - Speaker>
Haaaaaaandsome Jack here. When I opened the Vault and destroyed the Destoyer inside -- ironic, I know -- I had a Hyperion weapon in my hand. When I cleaned up the frontier and burned the bandit settlement of New Haven to the ground, it was a Hyperion pistol I held in my fist. And every day, as I watch over this planet, as its protector, as its champion, as its hero, it’s Hyperion firearms I put my trust in. Hell, that’s why I bought the company in the first place. This is Handsome Jack, signing off. <Jack - Radio>
This is Handsome Jack, reminding you that we at Hyperion are still offering bounties for Pandora’s most wanted. The reward has risen to eight billion dollars for the bandit known as “Brick” -- big guy, looks like he survives on nothing but ground beef and roids. You’ll know him when you see him. We’re also still offering six billion dollars for the capture of the ex-Underdome star known as Mordecai, as well as a smaller reward for the capture of his bird, Bloodwing -- oh, sorry. I read that backwards. It’s six billion for the bird, twenty bucks for the has-been. My mistake. And, as always, I am personally willing to offer thirty billion dollars for the capture of the bandit leader known Roland -- double that if you use Hyperion weapons to bring him down. Oh, and stop contacting us with questions regarding the bounty on the freak known as “Lilith.” The fugitive was confirmed dead months ago, alright? Handsome Jack, signing off. <Jack - Radio>
Angel, get this message to whomever’s organizing the construction out in the Nexus. No matter what happens, make sure that old bandit town -- Fyrestone, I think it’s called -- make sure it stays standing. That pissant little rest stop is where it all began. Oh, and another thing: I want it on company policy that instead of “Fyrestone,” we’re changing its name to “Jackville.” Really twist the knife for those bandit bastards, you know what I mean? I want those Vault Hunting bandits to see what I’ve done to this place -- I want it to stand as a testament to their failure. They couldn’t protect New Haven, they couldn’t protect Fyrestone, and they’re sure as hell not gonna protect Sanctuary. <MapEcho - AridNexus>
Guys, I’ve heard rumblings amongst the workers that our Eridium mining operatins are “ravaging” this planet. Ya know, I assume you’re saying this because most of you didn’t see what Pandora looked like before we showed up. You know what they called this place? The Badlands. It was a dry, dusty pisshole where dreams went to die. Now there’s pipes, full of beautiful Eridium, technologically advanced machines, goddamn volcanos -- I mean, who doesn’t love volcanos? They’re mountains that explode fire. That's literally the definition of the word awesome. Am I -- am I right? <MapEcho - AridNexus>
Hi there! This is a message from Handsome Jack, to the construction workers of Opportunity. You fine gentlemen are building the future -- once the city is done and its carefully selected citizens are brought in, you’ll be able to see the true beauty that Opportunity represents. From a distance, that is -- you guys aren’t coming anywhere near this city once it’s done. You can check it out from, like binoculars, or something. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Of course you don’t. Because you’re as lacking in vision as you are in brain cells. You don’t do things because they’re easy. You do them because they’re right-- <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Opportunity is the tip of the spear, people. The future is coming to Pandora, and Opportunity is the bright, shining beacon of that future. Bandits will look up from their baby-meat stew and see our city shining in the distance. A symbol of safety, and peace, and order. First, Opportunity. Then, the rest of Pandora. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
I can’t say for sure, Keith, but I’m loathe to take advice on children from someone who doesn’t have any. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
That's the thing – you don't. Not anymore. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Alright, let's weapons, everybody. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
No No no. I’m talking style. You look at our guns -- what do they offer? <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Class, sweetheart. They offer class. You buy from those war hippies at Maliwan, the gun’s named like “the Fervid Gospel” or “the Guileless Provocateur” -- some pretentious crap. You get a bandit gun, they can’t even spell “pistol” right. When you look at the names of those guns, you feel like a dumbass. When you look at a Hyperion gun, I want you to feel classy. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Synergy. Dynamicism. Longitudinal. Words with heft. Words with meaning. Words that evidently nobody in this room understands given the blank looks you troglodytes are giving me right now. Look -- when you pick up a Hyperion shotgun called the Projectile Diversification, you’ll know it was made by smart sonsofbitches, for smart sonsofbitches. Jesus is anybody writing this down? I'm giving you gold here, people. <MapEcho - Opportunity>
Hey, Roland. Handsome Jack here – 'member me? My men kicked your bandit asses out of New Haven and killed your little pal Lilith. Ringin’ any bells? Anyway, I hear you and the rest of your little buddies have relocated to Sanctuary. Just wanted to congratulate ya – you’ve successfully delayed your deaths by a few months. I’m gonna be real busy mining Eridium to charge that Vault Key I stole from your buddy Tannis, so you guys are gonna be low on my priority list for a while. So Ciao! <MapEcho - Sanctuary>
Borderlands 2: Handsome Jack Quotes
From Orcz
