www.fabienlarouche.com is an ingame website in Grand Theft Auto V
Advertises Yoga instructor Fabien LaRouche
Fabien is a private instructor who gives Yoga lessons to many rich people in Los Santos, mostly in the Rockford Hills area.
Welcome[edit]
We should not fear the unknown. We are the unknown. Be the now. Be you.
The path to our sacred place must be traveled backwards, with our eyes closed, upside down, using our hands tor feet, and with all our body weight pressing down on our cervical vertebrae.
Inspire deep humility by putting your ankles behind your ears in a pair of anatomically-revealing parachute pants while moaning and farting in a roomful of strangers.
Yoga unifies the mind and body while freeing you from the limitations of dignity and self-respect.
It’s a workout, a philosophy and a metaphor all rolled into one. It is everything. It is nothing. Be. Be nothing.
Meet Fabien[edit]
“We are nothing but a small bead of discharge on the infinite phallus of Ishvara.”
After growing up in the only small town in France where people didn’t understand that a man can be both flamboyantly camp and fiercely heterosexual at the same time, in 1999 Fabien moved to the one place where he Knew that he’d definitely fit in: San Fierro. Then, following some unfortunate charges that were never proven, he moved to Los Santos.
Following a sustained period of personal crisis and poor decisions, he credits yoga with saving him from himself in 2002. He hasn’t looked back since, except in the Wheel pose. He studies under the great Chidaatma Shashikanth via audio book and spent three months in solitude (except for social media and coffee runs) at the beginning of 2009 learning how to feed himself individual blades of grass with his toes. He is able to touch any part of his body with any other part of his body and could be sexually self-sufficient if he wanted to. but never would be because he cares too much about the sharing of the human spirit.
He has never lost sight of the infinite potential of an ancient Indian spiritual art that is re-branded as a health fad for neurotic white yuppies. He speaks French. English with a patronizing French accent, and atrocious, bastardized Sanskrit.
Private classes[edit]
Did someone say yoga?
Fabien provides one-on-one classes so that he can connect with his students on a more profound and intimate level. He believes that personal space is a negative force that blocks access to the aura so takes a hands-on. uninhibited approach to instruction.
His interdisciplinary training techniques blend traditional yoga with expressionist dance, experimental mime, and frequent proselytizing on the benefits of a dairy-free, vegan diet. He ends each session with a hug and a verse of original poetry.
Disclaimer: Yoga occasionally causes serous injures that can only be cured by more yoga.
Rules of engagement[edit]
- Never laugh.
Even if I fart during the Happy Baby or my balls fall out of my shorts during the Upside Down Tortoise. Yoga must be taken extremely seriously.
- Leave the cynicism at the door.
Roll the third eye, not the first two.
- Clean your teeth.
Deep breathing should release your chakras not your lunch.
- Hugging.
Receive every hug like I just saved your child from a burning building.
- Wash.
There’s a fine line between natural and crotch rot Patchouli is no substitute for a shower.
- Colliding.
Collide with me during a sun salutation and I will take you down.
- Palming.
If I gently palm your camel toe. accept the gift as it was intended.
