www.yourdeadfamily.com is an ingame website in Grand Theft Auto V
It is a parody of ancestry.com
Description[edit]
What's the story of your family? Were they noble gentlemen of society?
Daring explorers? Woeful knaves trampled underfoot?
Obsessing about your past IS healthy. Genealogy is a very meaningful hobby. Unearth your family's dirty secrets. Trust us - it's cheaper and more interesting than therapy. Once you have lain out your entire family tree - it will soon become clear why family members were an absolute disaster.
Then once you've dug up the torrid details - mistresses, children bom out of wedlock, strange deaths, publish it online so the rest of the world can be amazed at what a dysfunctional disaster your past is, and therefore how well you're doing... in the circumstances.
Family Search[edit]
You can put in name, surname, and age to get results such as:
Talk about the Black sheep! You come from a long line of mistakes. Your great great great great father Herbert Van Dyk stumbled drunk into the wrong house at the outskirts of your family village and bed the ugliest woman for 300 miles.
This would explain a lot actually - most notably your trouble with math and basic diction. You should regard your entire life as an exercise in triumph, over adversity.
Your great great great great grandfather, Henry Davis Doner, was born in Ireland, and, a widower at the age of 72 took a new wife - who was 22. He coined the phrase “A man is virile forever, while a woman dries like dust and weaves yarn”. You can be proud that you come from a long line of men who love younger women.
A druid on your father’s side 800 years ago was involved in a fantastic scandal where he stole the first born child of everyone in the region of Gaul and put them on a ship to a far away island. They were told to create a society of volcano people who loved to lay about in hot tubs and sing A cappella Viking hymns. That place is Iceland, and your DNA indicates that if you were to ever reproduce with someone there, it would most likely be a cousin (with disastrous results). There is no shame in sterilization.
We’ve found 2 matches to your last name. One was a sharecropper who fathered a family of 8 in what is now the rural South and was known as the kindest man in the county who loved to bum cattle.
The other match is to an Australian, who also loved to bum cattle. Take your pick.
Oh it’s not good. We recommend you don’t read these results.
Don’t you think it’s a bit unhealthy to have such an obsession over old people - to the point that you’re sexually obsessed with geriatrics and people near death? Old people smell funny. Youth is where it’s at.
Stop poking around old age homes for a distant cousin so you can participate in a freaky incest fantasy, instead get a hobby like alcoholism or cricket. Move forward.
