www.ministerinminutes.com is an ingame website in Grand Theft Auto V
Lets you become a minister in minutes. All you have to do to get ordained is to fill in your first name and last name and you get an official certificate certifying that you are a minister.
Welcome[edit]
The Super Cosmos Church believes that there are too many barriers to spiritual fulfillment and peace. Why spend years in theology- seminar}' or a monastery? This is the internet age - years of religious study are just a click away. Get ordained now!
Perform weddings, funerals, get the best parking spaces, wear a cassock, comfort homy widows, scare children, cast curses, absolve sins and make people feel better about their life by quoting from any one of dozens of hocus pocus old texts!
And - get in free to any sporting event you want - just tell the team you'll pray harder for them to win because you’ve got a direct line to the deity!
FAQ's[edit]
Q: Why become a minister?
A: Marry people. It’s fast and easy and you can make money on the side. Plus, you get to be the center of attention up on that stage as a couple of people make vows they will surely break! And it’s a known fact - all that romance and emotion and booze gets the hot bridesmaids really homy, so drop hints that you're naked under the robe. We’ve gotten reports from many of our recently ordained ministers that they have befouled bridesmaids and lonely friends of the bride at multiple events. Reminder - you’re getting paid for this - and you get to eat and drink free! Also - if thousands of years of history have taught us anything, religious freaks can get away with ANYTHING! Talk to invisible people and instead of locking you away in a mental institution, they give you a key to the best building in town.
Also - once you are ordained - you don't have to pay taxes anymore, and you can claim religious immunity if you get pulled over for drunk driving. Now you see why people who find God are so happy all the time.
Q: If I become ordained can I marry anyone?
A: Sure! ANYONE! We don't care. We're selling ministerial licenses to random people online - it’s not really our place to judge. And if it’s a controversial marriage, charge extra! But call it a “donation in kind”. You might as well get something out of it - and controversial couples are more inclined to give you a little something “extra’' if you get our drift
Q: Doesn't this make a mockery of legitimate members of the clergy who dev ote their lives to a higher calling?
A: Please! The Internet has ruined everything - and convinced an entire generation that ev erything should be free and easy. We agree! Couples who didn't want to swear a sacred oath in the ev es of God used to have to go to Vegas or befriend a drunken sea captain to get married. Now any dipshit with a smart phone can do it. That's the measure of progress.
Q: Can I perform exorcisms?
A: It is a known fact that 3 out of 4 w omen are possessed by demons. Exorcisms are the most exciting part of the job. If a woman is acting psycho, simply tie her up to a chair and command her to chill the fuck out in the name of a higher pow er. Or. a simple slap to the face during one of her hysterical fits will suffice. And since you answer to a higher pow er, you don't have to answer to the police.
Q: What about baptisms?
Be particularly careful here - we’ve had reports of people getting carried away and holding people under the w ater for too long. Remember, when baptizing children, they tend to pee in the water. Baptizing adults is creepy and makes you feel like a care giver in a nursing home, so avoid these unless you really strapped for cash.
Q: How about funerals?
A: Men die young - it’s a well known fact. And women who are hysterical with grief are aching to be comforted by another man. Widow sex is a perk of the job. believe us.
Certificate[edit]
To get your minister certificate, click on "Get Ordained Now!" and fill in your first name and last name (email optional).
Check the box that says "I certify that I am over the age of 5"
Then you get a certificate which says:
"This is to certify:
<NAME>
Ordained by the Council of Elders
(Three Signatures)
